Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says "me feet are freezin mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother mate", Murphy says and runs upstairs.
He notices Paddy's stunning twin 19 year old daughters sat on the bed.
"Hello der girls, your dad sent me upstairs to sh*g ya both".
"F*ck off ya liar they said".
Murphy said "I'll prove it", so he shouts downstair to Paddy "both of them Paddy?"
Paddy replies "course, whats the use of f*cking one of them"

There is a proper joke thread you know.
Where you can find gems like;
"Whats the difference between Pope John Paul II and Maddie Mccann?


The Pope died a virgin!"

Paddy and Murphy are walking in the country one morning at dawn when they see a man running towards them holding a big fish to his chest. Paddy says to the man "good mornin to yer sir, now where do you be geddin a fish like that at this time o the day?". The man points across a field and says keep walking that way and you will find a bridge over the brook, my mate hangs me over by my ankles and i put the very tips of my fingers in the water. In this half light, the fish think that it is food, so they come to the surface, and if your quick enough, you can grab it, but run like fuck, because if the gamekeeper hears the splashing, he'll shoot you in the arse with his shotgun!!!" Paddy says to murphy, "we will try that tommorrow Murphy". The next day they get up an hour before dawn and cross the field and come to a bridge, where murphy dangles paddy over the edge by his ankles. 5 mins pass and murphy says "have you not got one yet paddy, me fukkin arms are killing us!!". "no, but wont be long" says paddy. Murphy asks again after 10 mins, to which he gets the same answer from paddy. and this is repeated after 15 mins. By now murphys arms are in excruciating pain and he is just about to drop paddy when he hears "pull me up murphy quick!!!!" "why, do you have a fish???" says murphy. "no" says paddy, "theres a big fuckin train coming"

Here's a bad 'Joke', Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?......Because it was dead.

Paddy and Murphy get invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is types of emotion. After thinking long and hard, they turn up with Paddy wearing nothing but a pear on his dick, and Murphy a bowl of custard. They knock on the door and the host opens and asks in a state of shock what emotions they're meant to be to which Paddy replies.....

"I'm in dis pear and Murphy's fucking dis custard."



Love that one!

Metalbrew Stu wrote:Paddy and Murphy get invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is types of emotion. After thinking long and hard, they turn up with Paddy wearing nothing but a pear on his dick, and Murphy a bowl of custard. They knock on the door and the host opens and asks in a state of shock what emotions they're meant to be to which Paddy replies.....

"I'm in dis pear and Murphy's fucking dis custard."



Love that one!

reminded me of this one:

a man goes to a party, and as he walks up the path to the house, he can see through the window that everyone is dressed up. Oh bollox, he thinks to himself, i forgot its fancy dress!!! Anyway, he strips down to his pants and knocks on the door. The hostess opens the door to be greeted by the rather unpleasant sight of this middle aged man in nowt but a pair of off-white y-fronts with a big stain on the front of them. To her confused expression he says "ive come as a premature ejaculation". She replies "there are young kids in here, we cant tell them that!!!". "OK" he says, "tell them i've come in my pants"!!!!

Two Irishmen are in the local job centre,looking at the employment available board.Paddy spots one,"this looks okay,"tree fellers wanted",Murphy replies,that's no good,there are only two of us"

A chav walks into a job centre and says "I'd like a job please"
"Well you've come to the right place! I think we have something for you... wait... yes, here it is: no qualifications required, part-time, £780 a week"

The chav stares at him, hope stretching slowly across his pustulent face, and says "you're fucking joking, right?"

"Hey, you started it!"

Haha gotta love the chav jokes!

what do you say to a chav at university?

STOP! THIEF!

Two chavs in a car, no music blasting, who is driving..










the policeman.

An emo and a chav have a race off a cliff. Who wins?

Society



Edit: Thread title changed, post all bad jokes in this thread

This tread should have been renamed Dave is bored again thread.

SMART *RSED ANSWER 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART *RSED ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART *RSED ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART *RSED ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes,
well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART *RSED ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read
" Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead
and he got stuck under it..
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman
got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!"

SMART *RSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-*rsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and
sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand ".