Happy fucking birthday.

I'm in Sheffield today and tomorrow morning. I'll come give you a birthday rape.

I'm in Matlock any way so no.

FYI: I got really really drunk last night on beer, absinthe, tequila and whisky and then threw up and then I had to be driven home and carried into my house. So all in all, it was a success. Hurray for me.

I've not done that in a while. It's horrible when it happens.

Yeah it was messy as fuck. People just kept handing me drinks.

Did you get to the point where you couldn't even roll over and so could only see people's shoes?

I just couldn't speak and I was dribbling all over myself.

Why, did someone get you a lap dance?

No, I just got very very very wasted.

Please tell me that's piss.

Probably. I can't remember what happened.

Smell your jeans. That is, if your mum didn't get there first.

Hmmm, doesn't smell like piss - quite a lot like booze though.

I imagine some friends played the age-old trick of making your trousers moist and pretending you pissed yourself.