I have recently done something incredibly stupid. If you recall, I asked you all should I split up with a girl because she is religious. Well, she got there first. About a week ago she dumped me. I was ok about it but I was disappointed as I quite liked her. Anyway, I decided yesterday, whilst pretty drunk, to write her a letter and tell her why I liked her and why I was sorry it was all over. So I wrote it. Whilst drunk. And posted it as soon as I got home because I knew that I would not have the balls to post it when sober. I was wrong, I now know that it was a really, really dumb idea and not clever or charming at all. I can't remember it all but here are some cringing snippets:

-I started it by mentioning the things I didn't like about her. This was not a good idea and went a bit like this:
"Your taste in music. I don't know how anyone could listen to indie. If I wanted to listen to dul yrics insipidly sung, I'd porbably sooner attempt asphyxiation."
Not a great start. But it's followed by something like this:
"Your class. I don't mean to be harsh but you carry yourself with an air of superiority that comes across as snobbery. Basically,if my brother's commentin upon it somethings up."

-How could it get worse. Well, I then start talking about her qualities. And this is equally cringing.
"Your humour... It is no exaggeration to say that you are probably the second funniest girl I've met. (The first is my friend Sarah)... I can hardly wait for the insufferably cringing 'excerpts from a modern-man's letter skit'."
Why would you tell someone they are the second funniest woman you've met. I also said, 'I don't mean to be gender-specific' and elaborated on the point but I can't remember how. But if you think that's bad...
"Your body. I am not sure if I should write this because it appears to cheapen the sentiment but it's clear I think you're attractive. Fuck it - here goes:
(I start describing her appeal and conclude with things along the lines of): Your lips, your legs, your breasts - you're whole body exudes a sexuality that is intoxicating. Venomous almost."
Holy fuck, no. How can you compliment someone for being venomous?!

I also praised her for 'her tact' (by which I meant her impressive confidence and control of situations) and her personality.

I read it over, put it in an envelope and posted it off. The question is what do I do now. While what I have above is not verbatim, I have pretty accurately copied the style and content.

Help me stop this fro being a complete fucking disaster.

Shit man, my advise is to get mashed and listen to Minor Threat and Black Flag with some buddies. The hardcore bands always make me feel great, like I have somehow suffered a great injustice and its someone else's fault.

Right, there's not much you can do about this one to really mend the damage, but you can attempt to save some face. When I do something stupid like this to a girl, I usually attempt to turn it around onto the girl and make her feel like a dick. Just say something like you and your mates got really drunk and they egged you on to take the piss out of her. Only explain that if she asks you about it though, don't try and tell her that or it makes it look like you give a shit.

I thought something this stupid only happened on TV, hahah. Brilliant.

bomb the postbox you put the letter in or kill her postman preferably before he signs into work because A;its darker at 4am and B:if he doesnt show up for work theyll just class him AWOL and wont get suspicious(at least for a few days)

NOTE;if youre gonna ninja up to assassinate the postie,just wear plain black and NOT any STD merch or you may get sussed pretty quickly.

oh caps.... oh dear....

another version of martin's idea - tell her that you were pissed and talking about her with a mate, and then he decided to have a laugh at yours and her expense....then follow it up by saying that some of it is actually true (only the bits she doesnt hate though)

might work...

Yeah, just blame it on someone else. That way she looks like a dick if she takes it seriously and gets mardy about it, because you've made it out like it means nothing to you.

Just move on.

The fact that you were both considering dumping each other should tell you that you were essentially incompatible. Sure, it must suck that she got there before you did, but you only kept things going because she has a cunt. If she were a bloke you wouldn't have stood for her shit, unless you wanted to bum him, which I'm assuming you wouldn't. The best thing you can do in this situation is look for another bird because when it goes tits up - it inevitably will - you can claim that you were on the rebound when you started going out with the girl in question and so the relationship was destined to failure from the outset.

Being on the rebound generally exempts you from overly-strong feelings and prevents you from feeling guilty for treating someone like shit.

Fantastic.

dear UK Thrash,

there should so be a 'dear Uk Thrash...' 'agony aunt' section

thrash metal maniac wrote:dear UK Thrash,

there should so be a 'dear Uk Thrash...' 'agony aunt' section

See, I keep going on about the powers that be dropping the actual Thrash element of the forums in favour of more relevant topics. Like I've said, no one likes Thrash anymore so why not just develop the forum into a sort of elite club where we can talk bollocks and use nasty words all day? We could keep the UK Thrash tag but we would have to lose the 'The UK's Online Thrash Metal Community' bit. In it's place I suggest 'The UK's Online Forum For Nonsense and Bigotry'. We can abbreviate it to UKOFNB if needs be.

Only give her an excuse/explanation if she asks about it, and either way... keep your distance for a while. It's probably best to just admit that you were wasted and it wasn't to be taken seriously.
If she doesn't ask about it soon, there might be an opportunity in the future when it's not such a fresh topic where you can slip in an apology for it. That's if you still talk to her.

I don't think the letter will fill her with much desire to respond. It will probably arrive tomorrow. Looking at the stuff I wrote, I wouldn't mind a woman's opinion on its content. Would you be offended if I said you had 'an air of superiority that comes across as snobbery' or that I told you I'd rather die than listen to the music you enjoy? Also, how uncomfortable would you feel about someone describing you physically? God, it's a fucking cringe-fest.

Oh, I also included possible theories of why I was dumped, including the fact that I was shit at sex and that she might find me a boring person.
Furthermore, Iain, I went out on Saturday and ended up getting two girls numbers.
And then I lost them. I'm so fucking dumb!

Man this thread is just a fuckin' winner. To quote the legend that is Dr.Perry Cox albeit with a slight alteration "I love this thread so much I wanna have sex with this thread and raise a family of tiny little threads"

Superb.

I'd be offended by the snobbery comment.
The music comment... she probably thinks the same of the music you like in that case ha, so I don't think she'd be that fussed. Well, I wouldn't.
I suppose I'd find the physical description flattering and have a laugh at it, though. The way you said it is probably cringy as hell, but the flattery is still there.

By giving those sort of reasons why you think you were dumped, she'd probably just conclude that you wrote the letter due to feeling insecure more than really wanting to insult her. Anyway, she broke it off with you, so if she was really insulted she is probably just glad she did (not meaning to sound too harsh there).
Sounds like a confusing letter though, insults and compliments.

Mainly what I'd be thinking about it is, 'what a drunken fool'.

Sheesh, drunk letters now?! I thought drunk texts were bad enough...