Last New Year's I ended up bringing my ex-girlfriend back to my house for a shag for old time's sake. Bare in mind I'd not slept with this girl since I was like... 17 maybe? Any way, we had a proper good filthy shag that night and I was pissed off my head so I pretty much passed out all over her straight after. I woke up in the morning on top of her and because it'd be a while since we had been together I was trying to act like the big man (poking her in the back with my willy and stuff - text book). Any way, this carried on for a while, then I started to feel a bit horrible, so I was like:

"Oooh blimey Emma, my stomach feels a bit dickie, I'll be back in a bit"

I went down to the toilet and fucking shat and vomited everywhere. At the time I related it to a 'bad pint', but as I found out a number of days later, I had caught the norovirus. Any way, I went back to bed with her and this stomach thing kept giving me aggro, so I kept having to nip to the shitter etc etc. Eventually, I thought I'd got rid of it, so I was a bit more chilled out then she said she had to go home. So I let her out and straight away I run up to my room and put my laptop on so that I can brag to my mates about what I've just done. I'm lying there on the bed playing on my laptop and I feel a fart coming on, and I'm thinking to myself:

"Yeah... good work, Martin, you went and gave your ex-bird a right old rogering... go ahead and enjoy a nice big fart".

I followed through so bad. Never run to the toilet faster in my life. All in all, it was a very un-glamourous end to the whole affair, and I can't remember it without remembering how horrible that shit was.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Also, what is Norovirus?

It sounds like a cool band name!

It was just some shit thing (literally) going around at Winter that gave you the shits and made you vomit for like a week or so. It was rubbish. Loads of people got it.

My immune system is supreme. I'm never ill. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out because I have no hilarious 'shit my pants' stories to tell.

Bangover wrote:I remember sitting there all alone just me, the piss, the silence

Last time I pissed myself was in Year 1. Out of protest to the teacher, who wouldn't let me go to the toilet.

Nice work, man... Can't beat dirty protests.

James wrote:Can anyone confirm whether the old finger in the warm water trick actually works?

It depends.

It probably varies from person to person but, like the sound of running water, it does work for me, especially if I'm hammered. Mind you, I was in hospital once and had had a catheter removed from my knob but hadn't taken a slash out of it in around five days. I tried every piss-inducing technique known to man but, in the end, it was the threat of having a second catheter put in - without the benefit of anaesthesia, I might add - that got me there.

Herzeleid wrote:

Metal Iain wrote:I would regale you with my story but everyone's heard it a million times.

Still, it was hilarious.

I've never read it properly

I'll put it into bullet points:

- At a party with some swell people.

- Get half-cut.

- Go to take a shit.

- Wake up in the bathroom three hours later caked in shit and vomit as someone is banging on the door inquiring about the unholy smell emanating from his toilet.

- Use every last ounce of upper-body strength I have to haul myself up to the sink and vomit.

- People surround me in a massive semi-circle whilst pointing and laughing.

- I crumple into a heap on the floor whilst a mate chucks my trousers - which were written off - into a basin of water without taking out my phone and iPod - also write-offs.

- Wake up early the next day to clean the shit up and realise what must have happened: pass out on bog, hit my head on the sink and shat everywhere - it was all up the walls and everything.

Luckily the people there were very understanding, claiming that it had been bound to happen to one us us and that they were just glad it hadn't been them. The only thing that had truly revolted them was the stench. OK, so shit doesn't smell pleasant at the best of times, but this was truly a crime against humanity the likes of which Slobodan Milošević would have flown into an envious rage over. Needless to say, I remained quite quiet for a while before seeing that it was probably the funniest thing I have done to date.

I shit myself when I was maybe 12 or 13, and I shall tell you why. I'd been having stomach aches of madness for a couple of days (and also passed out a few days before, after watching Jurassic Park 3 and eating a Red Rooster (horrible chicken place)) and thought they had gone, and was about to go to Gran Canaria with my parents. At the airport I suddenly started to have horrible pains again, so they put me in a wheelchair and took me out of the airport (which was quite fun). We then went to the hospital, where it was discovered I was having bowel spasms, and that was a shame indeed. By this point I also had diarrhoea. Anyway, while we were waiting in the hospital I went to do a piss. Luckily, I went into a cubicle. As I was pissing, I decided to do a fart, and of course, as the classic story goes, I followed through with horrible squishy shit. I was very upset and probably nearly cried, knowing me. Anyway, I cleaned up the best I could, went back out and told my mum I shit myself, and she went out to Debenhams to buy some new trousers for me. What a lovely mother.

Wheelchairs are only fun if you're paralyzed. I was in one for a bit and the vibrations fuck about with your spine like nothing else, like.

thrashduck wrote:When I was a kid, I once ran home from somewhere to go for a shit, and literally got into the bathroom and shit myself before I could get to the toilet. Awful, awful.

Yeah same!

You know what... This is the funniest thread I have read in a long time, seriously laughing out loud at some parts.

Who said this forum has gone down the toilet?

jonny_boy34 wrote: I was very upset and probably nearly cried, knowing me. Anyway, I cleaned up the best I could, went back out and told my mum I shit myself, and she went out to Debenhams to buy some new trousers for me. What a lovely mother.

Funniest Thread in ages.

Haha, we'll I suppose I may aswell tell my story.It begins when I was 16 at a fancy hotel for my works christmas party. We started with a meal and as you would expect there was plenty of drink flowing, there was wine on the tables and jugs of lager being passed around. So i continued to drink and have a thoroughly good time. In the later part of the evening there was a raffle held and I won a litre bottle of Smirnoff(you can see where this is going) back at our table a few of us were just passing round the bottle having a good chug until my mate James takes gulps down till its about half a bottle left. When I start swigging the infamous chant of chug goes out, being the competetive 16yr old that I was, I continued to polish of the bottle.

The next part of the night get a little hazy(as you would expect!) but I have been informed it involved me and James repeatedly going to the bar for shots. I also remember one of my other friends taking the glass top off of a coffee table and running upstairs into the hotel with it.

The next thing I remember is regaining my cognitive ability whilst walking home with my mum and my dad following some way behind. I say to my mum it was nice of you guys to pick me up from the party. She then explains that they actually picked me up from hospital. Apparently I had passed out a few times and then decided to go out for air,then passed out in the hotel lobby just by the front door. The hotel called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital.

Whilst at hospital I had fought with doctors when they tried to put a saline drip in to sober me up so they just stuck me in a bed and left me to sober naturally. Once I was able to walk my parent decided to start taking me home. So whilst on this walk home I asked my mum why dad was so far behind to which she replied "Because of the smell" it was then I realised that my trousers, socks and shoes were covered in shit/piss, it was all down my legs, I had shat myself whilst lying there "sobering up". Needles to say my dad was not best pleased. Anyway when home I had to strip off in the garden where my mum then used the hose to spray me down before I showered and went to bed.

It took a few days but it wasn't long before my family were laughing and joking about it so all in all a fun experience!???!?


P.S. my work tried to inform my parents that I had sneaked the bottle in myself, cheeky gits! there was no alcohol for under 18s in any subsequent partys there haha!

P.P.S As for the fate of my mate James, he apparently shat in his own hat and threw his phone into the toilets at the hotel.

caspio wrote:my mum then used the hose to spray me down

That's the best story yet. And that bit is priceless.

Yeah, well done, that really is the worst thing that could happen to anybody.