Quite a ridiculous episode has just happened in the Ashbey household. Our parents are away in Wales for the weekend, and so they wanted me to be back home from London for the weekend for some reason, to "keep an eye on things" or whatever (mainly for my younger sister I would guess)... but anyway, my sister is at a friend's tonight, so it was just me and my second brother in for most of the night - my other brother and his girlfriend were at some crappy party.

So him and his girlfriend get home quite late and go upstairs. Meanwhile I am writing an awesome Lovecraftian story on the PC, because I am really cool like that in the early hours of the morning... and then about an hour later my brother comes down moaning that his door is wedged shut.

I reluctantly pull myself away from a good part in my typing to check out what stupidity he's on about, and find that yes, his door is in fact wedged shut, with his girlfriend on the other side. Apparently it has a habit of doing this sometimes, but never this bad - it had got itself stuck when he went for a piss.

Anyway, we both tried simply yanking the handle at full strength, and shoulder barging it, but nothing was happening. Then we unscrewed the whole handle case, but that only gave access to a small hole that the spindle goes through, so no more use.

Now my brother's brainwave idea was this. Mine and his bedrooms are actually in a loft conversion, so he was desperate to play the hero and climb out of my bedroom window, over the roof, and through a window in his door, armed with a screwdriver to undo the hinges from the inside, or at least to try pulling it from within. But there was no fucking way I was having that on my watch. I told him I'd sooner call the Fire Brigade than let him do such a foolish plan. I also suggested calling Dad in Wales (by now about 2:30am), but my brother Will hated that idea.

So this was what was suggested instead. We tie the screwdriver to a long string, and lob it from my bedroom window over the roof for his girlfriend to catch on the other side. Equally hair-brained you might say, but we gave it a shot and amazingly my brother hit home first try! The girlfriend grabbed it, and incompetantly attempted to work out which screwdriver attachment would be needed.

But then DISASTER! It turns out the screws to the hinges are not accessible on the inside of the door either, as both wings are within the door crease itself, if that makes sense.

So this is what we did. We put shoes on and just kicked the door in. My brother gave it some feeble foot jabs, but I lay claim to dealing the deciding blow, with a massive timber splitting sound. My second brother had woken up by this point, and he really wanted to give it a kick, but the brother who's door it was was intent on dealing the final blow, and after my devastating broadside, it caved in with a relatively weak kick.

So there we go. The door wasnt actually that knackered, there's just a split around the area where the handle is. We totally unscrewed the handle machinery and pulled it out so it wont jam again for a while.

Now, back to my story...

Is your brother's girlfriend fit?

Better than cold beans and sausages...

These kind of things happen to me all the time. It's even worse when you're pissed. To be honest, I can probably relate more to your brother, in the sense that I'd feel the need to pretend to be a hero and act like a complete cunt.

In my shitty uni house which I've just left thank god, we always kicked the doors in, we didn't really need our keys. The locks were shite.

My housemate kicked the living room door off its hinges. It was really funny to hear one of the girls the next day remark; "It must have come off through over-use".

MartinC wrote:My housemate kicked the living room door off its hinges. It was really funny to hear one of the girls the next day remark; "It must have come off through over-use".

Oh dear.

the door from the shop floor to the office at dixons got locked once on a late shift.
we used to have to enter a 4digit code on the pinpad next to the door(basicly to stop unauthorized people/public wondering in there).
but because the pinpad was a pain in the arse and sometimes youd bump into whoever was coming out the door,what we did one day instead was to loosen and wedge the mechanism or catch which cliks in to hold the door shut so basicly you could now just push the door open and it would swing closed again but never lock.this saved having to use the pinpad ever again.

right,if you still follow me

a few months later we had become naturally used to pushing the door open as a habit.
but then one day during our late shift the catch/mechanism had eventually wiggled its way out of the position we originally stuck/wedged it in and had now clicked and made the door shut how it used to.
i discovered it when i went to go in the office and couldnt,so i told the shift manager.it was bout 730pm and no customers were about.we wanted to go home at 830pm and the 4 of us panicked.us young lads tried to push,budge it etc
then mike the 47yr old shift manager said stand back and gave it one straight full on kick and sure enough it opened as well as taking half the edging,plaster and metal structure with it.we repaired as much of the damaged side of the entrance as possible to look "good as new/no one would ever know" type standards.
so much for a "security" door.
then i saw the pinpad and said "how thick are we?" and "youre supposed to be the shift manager mike,of all people and youre the one kicking the door in when theres a pinpad right next to it" we all laughed about it as thats all we could do.
the pin code was still the same and it all still worked.
i cant belive between 4 of us,no1 remembered the pad staring us in the face.
the door had no keyholes or anything,it was just that we were so used to it opening with a push we had totally overlooked the pinpad.

so after all that fuss we had been a classic example of stereotypical useless dixons staff.

Rik, I would buy your life.

That story is almost as disgusting as the one about me getting hit with a £40 fine last night for drinking booze in a public place.

Metal Iain wrote:That story is almost as disgusting as the one about me getting hit with a £40 fine last night for drinking booze in a public place.

textbook

Ken.

It's already sprung a new nickname because the WPC got my initials wrong and wrote STD Iain instead of SD (Stuart Douglas) Iain on the fine. Whilst I'm aware that we have STD Caps on here, my mates aren't. To be honest, I'm just fucking glad it's a fine and not anything more permanent. Still, this is bound to come out when as, Shadow Health Secretary, I launch a programme to crack down on chavs drinking in the streets. I was drinking Strongbow, too, so it looks all the worse.

Great days.

Metal Iain wrote:That story is almost as disgusting as the one about me getting hit with a £40 fine last night for drinking booze in a public place.

In a park, at 4am, with your pants down?


This is not surprising.

Lev - Pulverizer wrote:

MartinC wrote:My housemate kicked the living room door off its hinges. It was really funny to hear one of the girls the next day remark; "It must have come off through over-use".

Oh dear.

I know. I would have punched her, but I was laughing too hard.

Well Rik, the moral of the story is... it would limit traders' access to DIXXXXXXXXXONSSSSSSSSSS.