Jeremy Beadle got Captain Beefheart one of his early UK gigs... fact.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.

Immortalicide wrote:

MartinC wrote:What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.

My ex-ex-girlfriend told me that one...

I love her.

MartinC wrote:

Immortalicide wrote:

MartinC wrote:What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.

My ex-ex-girlfriend told me that one...

I love her.

That joke is so old but still funny.

Ace

I went to the Doctor's yesterday and he told me: "You have to stop masturbating."

Me - "Oh, really? But I like it..."

Doctor - "Yes, but I'm trying to examine you."

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'

'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.

'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave say's, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .'

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Dave,
what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.



'The Pope,' his boss replies.

'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave
returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who in the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'

MartinC wrote:I went to the Doctor's yesterday and he told me: "You have to stop masturbating."

Me - "Oh, really? But I like it..."

Doctor - "Yes, but I'm trying to examine you."

Dave from Headless Cross / Savage Messiah used that joke onstage while the drummer was fixing his drum pedals during a set the other day. ooooooooooooh. I thought it was quite funny. Nobody in the crowd did though

What's the difference between Maddie McCann and Lucy Pinder?



I haven't fucked Lucy Pinder.

What has wings and drinks blood?


Always Ultra!

your mums so fucking fat she fell in love and broke it.

BEER CAN wrote:your mums so fucking fat she fell in love and broke it.

Hahahaha.

what did the lesbian vampire say to her lover?

see you in a month