Was he joking on your joke?

IT WAS A SIMPLE LAMPOON!

thrashduck wrote:Was he joking on your joke?

IT WAS A SIMPLE LAMPOON!

Dr. Wing Fu Yip...

Bangover wrote:

Styxx wrote:Never make fun of a dislexic midget. It's not big and it's not clever.

You spelt dyslexic wrong...

Oh well

A thai girl comes to the UK to find a husband. In order to meet more men, she joins a local social club, but after a few weeks, she hasnt got a man, she joins a singles club, but again, after a few weeks, still no man, so she joins a football supporters club, still to no avail. After trying other sports clubs, dating agencies and everything else she can think of, all without the desired result she goes to the doctors and tells him there must be something wrong with her, because she cant attract a man. The doctor tells her to strip naked and face away from him, which she does. "Ah-ha" says the doc, "you have zakery disease". The woman looks really worried and says "what is zakery disease?". The doc replies "It means your face is zakery the same as your arse!!!!"

An American female Journalist visits Afghanistan at the outbreak of the war, and is horrified to see the way that the women are made to walk 10 feet behind the men. However, when she recently visited Afghanistan again, she was amazed to see that the women were now all walking 10 feet in front of the men. "This is great" she says to her guide, "Has our influence and liberation of this country brought about this amazing change in the culture here?". "no" says the guide "landmines!!!"

Frank is in the pub with his mates enjoying his fourth pint when he turns to the guys and says "my missus should be on the plane about now". "where has she gone?" says one of the guys, "nowhere i hope, i left her with instructions that after shes done the ironing and the tea, i wanted half an inch of the kitchen door!"

New car being launched in Portugal, space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault Mcann

lolz

Whats worse than letting Micheal Jackson babysit your kids?
Letting the Mccanns take them on holiday.

It's about 9pm and little Jimmy is having some trouble sleeping. He;s had a bad dream and woken up, so he goes to his parents' bedroom to see if he can sleep in their bed. He opens the door to see his dad ploughing his mum. His dad turns round and laughs, then shouts "Get out!". A couple of hours later, they hear some commotion coming from Jimmy's room. His dad goes to see what's up, and opens the bedroom door, horrified, to see little Jimmy fucking his own grandma. "What the hell is going on?!" Jimmy's dad shouts. Jimmy replies: "Not so fucking funny when it's your mum is it?!"

Refused wrote:Whats worse than letting Micheal Jackson babysit your kids?
Letting the Mccanns take them on holiday.

Love that one!

Styxx wrote:It's about 9pm and little Jimmy is having some trouble sleeping. He;s had a bad dream and woken up, so he goes to his parents' bedroom to see if he can sleep in their bed. He opens the door to see his dad ploughing his mum. His dad turns round and laughs, then shouts "Get out!". A couple of hours later, they hear some commotion coming from Jimmy's room. His dad goes to see what's up, and opens the bedroom door, horrified, to see little Jimmy fucking his own grandma. "What the hell is going on?!" Jimmy's dad shouts. Jimmy replies: "Not so fucking funny when it's your mum is it?!"

something for the records


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
________________________________________ __________ _________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________ __________ ___

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________ __________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
________________________________________ __________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
________________________________________ __________ _______

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________ __________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________ __________ _____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
________________________________________ __________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
________________________________________ __________ _____

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
________________________________________ __________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______ _____ _______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________ __________ ______

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________ __________ ______

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________ __________ ______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________ __________ ______

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________ __________ ______

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________ __________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________________ __________ ______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Haha! Love the last three

demonic-dave wrote:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Brilliant, simply brilliant.

Here's some Jeremy Beadle jokes ripped from a facebook group... awesome.. but also quite tiresome.

- Jeremy Beadle and his wife are playing cards. His wife looks over and says "Jesus, you've got a shit hand Jeremy".

- Apparently Jeremy Beadle has an Enourmous Cock......., But on the other hand...

-Apparently Jeremy Beadle is seeking employment as a receptionist,

...he wants to improve his short hand.