Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how he fuck do you drive this thing?"

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb. Two, but how they got in there in the first place beats me.

Cernunnos wrote:How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb. Two, but how they got in there in the first place beats me.

Ha!

Haha, nice!

I suppose this is as good a place as any for this:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ninger

You're the guy who invented tippex!



Correct me if I'm wrong.







Oh Tim Vine, how I love you.

What do you call an Indian politician with pink hair?


Ghandi Floss.

Was that directed at me, Lev? If so stand corrected... Or explain because I don't get it...

Stand CORRECTED Lev!!!

He doesn't get it at all.

How don't you get it? - Tippex...correcting...

It's not directed at anyone, it's a joke.


FOOLPANTS

haha

I stand corrected.... said the man in the orthapedic shoe!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!





I'm a moron!

A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."

"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavoured ice cream please."

"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.

Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,

"Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"

Ace!

Not so much a joke, as the synopsis from Maddox's book "The Alphabet Of Manliness":

In a world where metrosexuals--stylish, well-groomed, and sharply dressed men--have taken the center stage in defining the new masculinity, small pockets of men are starting to emerge, rebelling against the status quo. This new breed of man has rejected a lifestyle of wine tasting, pedicures, and excessive cultural awareness (i.e., any cultural awareness). This newly born response to metrosexuality is gaining momentum like never before, calling back to a day when men proudly wore plaid, ate liver and onions, and smelled like motor oil by choice. This modern man has come to be known simply as: the hetrosexual.

Hetrosexual men aren't afraid embrace their masculinity. They eat, drink, and sleep like real men: fully engorged. There's no such thing as a "fashion faux-pas" in the world of hetrosexuality. In fact, even the use of the phrase "faux-pas" draws the ire of the hetrosexual man in the form of beatings and social isolation (preferably both). These are men who refuse to be pigeonholed into the constraints of sexual ambiguity, and gladly welcome every opportunity to crotch-wrestle a hot babe. Hetrosexuals are making it cool to be straight again; straight is the new gay.

Think you might be a hetrosexual? Take the following quiz to find out:

1. How much should you tip a hairstylist?
A) 10%
B) 15%
C) 20%
If you answered, you're wrong. Hetrosexuals don't go to hair stylists.


2. Cologne?
A) Yes
B) No
The correct answer is B) No. Acceptable fragrances for men are: sweat, grease, rum, or some combination thereof.


3. Which language do you speak?
A) French
B) English
C) Both
D) Neither
The answer is B) English. French is the language of love, and men don't love anything. At best, there are varying degrees of "like," and even then, men don't like anything that much.


4. When dining at restaurant, you should
A) Push aside your friends and wrestle over the best seat
B) Wait until the maitre d' seats you
C) What's a maitre d'?
The correct answer is A and C. A, because if you don't secure the best spot at the table, you may find yourself in the position of having to engage in small talk with your guest. And C, because of the answer to question 3 above.


If you answered all of the questions correctly, congratulations: you are the winner. The important thing to keep in mind is that you are a man (unless you are not), and nobody can take that away from you.

I actually answered all of them perfectly. Woo!

A real man cooks his own steak.